Hair Talk: I Don't Like It When...

...People tell me how they like me to wear my hair. I feel apprehension every time I change my hair. When I put braids in, when I take braids out, when I shave my hair, when I put braids back in when it's just long enough to do so post-shave. 

I always feel apprehension and anxiety. 

It's not cool if you're wearing your hair in a cute little puff and an aunt tells you she prefers when you have it twisted. It's not alright when you cut your hair really short and your mother repeatedly tells you how much better she likes it that way than when you had it in braids. It's not OK when your close friend tells you she's sad that you've decided to wear braids again because you look so mature with your short hair. 

I enjoy compliments, yes, but not when they, explicitly or implicitly, put down something else about me. 

When I wear braids, and you like them, tell me that you like them and leave it at that. Don't say anything about missing my shaved head. When I shave my head and you like it, leave it at that, don't say anything about how you like it so much more than my braids. When I wear box braids and you like them, say so and leave it at that. Don't say how you like them so much more than my twists, and vice versa.  

I hate that apprehension about people noticing and commenting on my hair actually affects/inhibits/influences how I choose to wear my hair. The final choice is always mine, of course, and people always end up liking what I do regardless, but I resent the feelings I go through before I make the choice, feelings that are largely a  result of people's past comments on and "observations" of my hair.

Anyway....I can do more to take back the power and just say 'fuck you, I don't give a damn how you like my hair, I'm going to do what I want and do it well and you're just going to deal with it,' and to fully embody that sentiment...and I'm going to actively try to do that.

I just had to share these feelings first.

December 2013

February 2011

March 2013

Mama, Daddy

I take my mother's love for granted a lot. And sometimes after talking to her, I'm struck by how much her love keeps me here. Here, in the present, in a bearable way. I spoke with my mother this evening, about an hour ago, and I'm still reeling a bit from how wonderful and important and necessary it is to know that I have her and she loves me. My mother loves me no matter what. And she loves me not because I have anything to give or offer her but because I am her child. I am her sweetheart, her baby to who she gave birth and who she's cared intensely for ever after. My mother has loved me everyday of my life. My mother has thought of me and been concerned about me every day of my life. I have been my mother's priority every day of my life.

I'm overwhelmed.

Before I got off the phone with her this evening she said "Anything else you want to tell me?" I said, no. She said, "Ok, just checking. Sometimes you say things and in your voice, it sounds like there's something else you want to say but don't. And I want to remind you that there's nothing you have to hold back, nothing you have to hide." I said, I know. We exchanged "I love yous" and said good night. And then I just sat there and thought about how good that simple conversation made me feel. And I thought "I can do anything because that woman loves me. Everything is going to be ok because my mother loves me." And I cried. Then I thought about my dad and how much he's been showing love to me lately in ways that he hasn't before. And then I thought about God and how he gave me parents (or gave me to parents) who show me how God loves me. I've been praying a lot lately for an experience of God's love and power and this unplanned meditation was an answer to that prayer

These past couple of months have been trying. And my parents have given me invaluable support in the form of, encouragement, sympathy, concern, money (woot!). I've just received. In my extreme vulnerability they've been strong for me and present for me without expecting or wanting anything in return.

[My] Parents are invaluable. 

Autumn and Anxiety

It's Autumn!

Thanks to a couple of cool days in mid-September, I was in the Fall spirit even before summer "officially" ended. In many ways, I oppose norms and like the idea of doing things in ways others are NOT doing them. But when it comes to Fall, I fully support pumpkin/squash mania. Although Fall has barely given us a proper hello, I've already infused my life with lots of squashies:

I've roasted some Delicata and Acorn Squash:

And turned a can of Pumpkin Puree into pumpkin bread, pumpkin waffles, and pumpkin hot chocolate

All vegan by the way.

And I'm not slowing down--I had some very tasty cinnamon spice pumpkin pancakes at brunch with a friend today and  macaroni squash and oat pumpkin bread are up next (both vegan and gluten-free)!

In other news:

Often just talking and/ or writing about the things whirring around in my head makes them less scary and overwhelming. So today, I wanted to talk about the ways I experience anxiety.

Anxiety is a part of my daily life. I have to work through it to be able to do any and everything. Getting out of bed in the morning requires some self-soothing--breathing deeply and telling myself that there is nothing to be afraid of in the day ahead.

Once I get to work, I have to coax myself into starting my tasks for the day. I'm overwhelmed by the number of things I have to do-- I have a deep fear that I can't do any of it well and I become anxious about the idea of trying to do something that I don't think I can do well.

I have to fight anxiety to make and carry out social plans. The idea of spending time with people fills me with apprehension. I'm afraid of not having anything to say. I'm afraid of feeling awkward. I'm afraid of not being able to be present. When I'm feeling down, which is often, I'm anxious about having to perform as a functioning human being. I'm anxious about not having anything valuable to offer. I'm anxious about the burden someone might put on me.

I have to fight anxiety to make phone dates with family friends and worse, to answer the phone when family or friends call.

I have to fight anxiety to dance. I'm afraid of looking foolish even though I know it does not matter if I do. It's paralyzing.

I have to fight anxiety to write--getting words out of my head and unto a page or up on a screen is just...hard.

And then there's the anxiety that comes as a deep foreboding feeling near my heart. It presses down on my chest, expands inside of it, and fills my body with tension. Usually, the cause is a mystery.

And anxiety about the future...

Since anxiety is such a huge part of my life, coping mechanisms are as well-- things like escaping into media, unhealthy alcohol use, excessive sleeping (at one point in my life, no actual time for that now) pleasure seeking, and compulsive behaviors.

These behaviors are often a source of grief and anxiety for me in themselves. Instead of focusing on them, however, and the lack of success I've had in trying to cold-turkey-quit them, I'm beginning to accept that they persist for particular reasons. I've suffered from a  compulsive disorder for the majority of my life. I've prayed endlessly about it, had people pray and fast for me about it, put all of my willpower towards trying to stop it, and come up with various plans to control it. I've cried with Jesus about it knowing he could easily fix my brain, and bring things under control. But he hasn't and I'm believing more and more that he allows it to continue because there's an important truth he wants to lead me to--something he wants me to discover about why I struggle in the first place.

I know I will be free of relentless anxiety one day and I'm learning to accept that that "one day" might not be soon and that the daily acts of focusing on Jesus and seeking God's kingdom are enough.

My overall hope stems from this: Jesus has specifically told me in scripture to not be anxious or worry about anything and to place all my cares on God. He's specifically told me that he came so that I can have an abundant life. Anxiety is NOT a part of an abundant life.

I've been learning about healthy ways to decrease my anxious feelings and I'm going to try implementing those things while I seek the deeper answers/ root causes. I think I might even do a series of posts specifically discussing each anxiety-busting tactic I try.

I bet pumpkin based foods are good for fighting anxiety as well...

Thanks to Starbuck's new "La Boulange" shit, this gem is now very hard to come by, at least on my side of Chicago. Luckily I noticed that the Starbucks in the grocery store I was in this evening, had 3 slices of authentic pumpkin bread, not "pumpkin loaf," which is what they serve in "La Boulange." I immediately purchased a slice! I will stick to making my own from now on but I'm glad I had the opportunity to taste this again before it becomes completely extinct.

Optimistic Reflection

Since December 2012--the month I began my first full time 9 to 5 job and the month I met Hannah--my life has felt like a go-go-go non-stop ordeal. I've cycled through many ups and downs. The downs stand out and seem way more plentiful. I've frequently wrestled with myself and other people; I've done a lot of crying to God.  I've been learning about myself and realizing that I learn about myself when I'm not actively trying to learn about myself. I've been realizing that I am so different from the person I imagined I would be at this point in my life-- that person was pretty one dimensional in comparison. I've been learning a lot about change and growth and evolution and shifts. Life is strange. God is strange. Life is complex. These are all obvious statements, I know.

I've endured many days where anxiety completely took me over. Some days I would know why I was anxious but most days I wouldn't. I've worked through many days of just feeling low--feeling detached from everything, not able to find lasting pleasure in anything. Sometimes I would feel overwhelming sadness and not be able to picture a time in the future when things would feel OK again. That seems dramatic, I know, but it's a real, scary, hopeless feeling I get at times.

But.

For the past week or so, I've been able to maintain a consistent "good" state of mind. And at moments I've been struck by bits of insight and overtly positive thinking. Here are two of those moments:

Moment 1:  

A couple of days ago I found myself dwelling on this fact-- the majority of the people in my life whom I love and am closest to will probably never wholeheartedly agree with me and the way I live my life. This and the thoughts I had surrounding it troubled me. I shared this feeling with Han and her response was that one day I will be so confident in my life and the truth that a lack of approval from loved ones won't stop me from feeling peace and contentment with my choices. That's not verbatim but I think I captured the essence of what she meant. Her statement reminded me of something important: a lack of approval from loved ones affects me most because it reflects my own doubts and things I haven't settled with yet. So it's true that the more I work things out, the more I'll be at peace with my choices--another's lack of approval can't highlight insecurities and questions that aren't present.

Anyway, some time after that, I began thinking about my friends and family in the light of the reality of their actions and responses to me and this really hit me:

I am incredibly surrounded by love. I don't like to admit that I wrestle with my friends and family not approving of me. On the one hand, wrestling has never meant inaction-- I am sad when I feel like people are uncomfortable with me and my choices but that discomfort never has and never will stop me from making my own choices and living my life as I see fit. Kudos to me. On the other hand, I feel people's feelings towards me deeply and it's hard when those feelings are negative and/or troubled.  But in this moment I realized that the people I love and care for the most, are still right there caring about me and loving me back. No matter if I've disappointed them, made them question my sanity and wisdom, or made them grieve for me. No matter how many side eyes I've inspired or how our opinions differ, they're still there. They still love me and would still rather know what's going on in my life than not. I am so supported just because I am me.

Ultimately, I don't think I really want people to always be comfortable with me and approve of me. I need to be challenged and I appreciate (usually belatedly) when challenges force me to explore things more and be really sure of what I believe. Challenges also make me extra grateful for the One who finds me acceptable and lovable no matter what I do. I think what I truly want is for the people who love me to be willing to wholeheartedly wrestle with the challenges I present in the same ways I wholeheartedly wrestle with the reasons I am challenging.

Moment 2:

At work a couple of days ago, at my desk, while blankly staring at my computer screen (it happens ok?!)  it hit me that I am living in a city thousands of miles away from all of my family and am sustaining my presence here. It hit me that I did the work to get myself here and that I am doing the work to be able to remain here. It hit me that I live in a city I love so much and that I am a working individual supporting my existence in a place that gives me life. I am doing that. Now, I'm not downplaying the fact that God takes the ultimate credit for everything good. No doubt, God wrote the story that's unfolding now. But, I've been an active participant.

I don't give myself credit for very much. I am usually very self deprecating and downplay my accomplishments under the guise of being noble and humble. I'm not truly noble or humble in that way. I'm just so self-negative at times that I believe the lie that my accomplishments are a fluke, no big deal, or can be entirely attributed to anything other than the fact that I'm an intelligent, capable woman. So, in that moment, I took some time to name a few accomplishments and be proud of myself: I came to Chicago, made friends, formed a community, got a Master's degree in a field I actually love, supported myself through babysitting/ nannying, got a 9-5 full time job, and have taken care of myself through it all. I've built my own life; I've done important things; I've been a successful human being. Here's to me. I'm claiming my credit.

So... overall, I think what I really wanted to say is that as crazy and up and down as life over the past 9.5 months has been, I am so grateful for the days when I am filled with optimism and hope about myself and my future--where, good things come to mind in a jolt and then linger. Today I feel good and believe that tomorrow will be good. Today I can think about the people and things in my life with positive, tangible emotions. Today I can stand in the brisk Chicago air in my leggings, turtleneck, and cardigan and be happy about how the very cool wind brings with it many pleasant associations--my first wonderful months in Chicago, fall themed beverages from Starbucks, downtown adventures with Karimy (one of which I had two days ago!), snuggles with my comforter, and crushy-lovey feelings.

During this life season my happy days haven't lingered long enough. It's been hard to remember that I have them--not days where I just feel happy for a moment or have some laughs (I laugh at SOMEthing every day) but days where I feel in my soul that things are really alright and working out for my good. I know all too soon I will have a day where things seem dismal or, worse, feel like absolutely nothing. But today I will focus on the fact that I am happy and optimistic!

Transferable (?) Love

This past weekend, Hannah and I took a trip to Nashville.

I simply wanted to get out of Chicago for a bit. Hannah wanted to see her mama and introduce me to Old Hickory, Tennessee.

We had fun. I met Hannah's grandparents and they fed me an excellent meal (which included platanos maduros and homemade flan).

 I saw Mandy again--she is a friend of Hannah's who I met a little over a month ago when she visited Chicago. In the company of her mother, sister, best friend, and mother's friend, I watched Hannah get her 7^th tattoo. I saw the sights of Nashville and had several meaningful conversations with my gal. It was good.

The most significant part of the weekend, however, was that I was well- loved by Hannah's family and friends and I knew I was receiving this love mainly because Hannah is loved. I couldn't help but meditate on this.

Because Hannah’s mother and sister love her so much, they were happy to act as my tour guides, to drive me to the At&t store when my phone stopped working, to fix me tea in the morning before church, and to call me “honey.”  

Because Mandy and her husband, Rocky love Hannah so much, they were happy to welcome me into their home and to have me play with their children (one of whom complimented my braids endlessly, gave me kisses, told me she was falling in love with me, and declared that we were going to get married). Mandy greeted me like an old friend. Rocky shared an amazing dessert with me.

That they all showed me so much love (and there were many more examples of this than I will list) because Hannah values me and they love Hannah was just remarkable to me. It was important because their love trumped their lack of wholehearted approval of or comfort with my relationship with Hannah.

And as I write this I’m thinking that it was all very Kingdom-like and a good example for me. I should be more intentional about loving people well, regardless of whether I approve of or agree with them, taking the fact that they are very loved by God (who I love) as reason enough. I've frequently stated/ communicated with others that my reason for believing that everyone deserves to receive dignity and justice, to have their voices heard, and to just be treated well is because everyone is made in God’s image. This makes each person as equally and infinitely valuable as the other. Too often that’s just an abstract idea--one that I like to discuss but can forget to practice in my day to day living. This weekend was a good reminder to love for the sake of Love and a beautiful illustration of how to do just that.  

Thank you Abuelos de Hannah, Michelle, Renee, Rachel, Stella, Mandy, Rocky, Dave, and Andrea for teaching me well this weekend.

Navel-Gazing

I’ve been really very busy.  So…

I’ve been eating shitty food and giving my conscience the middle finger.

I’ve been checked out for a little while—caught up in my head but not aware of what’s been going on in my spirit. I’ve been having fun but dealing with this lingering unease. I’ve been afraid.

 

I’ve been subsisting on Mumford and Sons. I’ve been dying to change bad habits.

I’ve been working full days.

I’ve been thinking of God as someone I used to know.  I’ve been longing for courage. I’ve been hating people. I’ve been eschewing thoughts of “better.”

I’ve been tired of all of this.

But…I’m on a mini vacation now. And I’m putting myself back together.  And a new year’s approaching.  And I plan on living it better.

So, I'll be back soon with relevant material :).

Just in case you were wondering where I've been...

Salad Bowl Blog: Lows, Highs, Chicago VeganMania, and the Man of My Dreams

It's time for another blog post where I talk about a bunch of random things!

•  I am in a rut. I don't feel well physically or mentally and I am wondering what it is going to take for me to do the things I know I need to do to change that. It's a nasty cycle really. Getting out of a rut requires energy. I don't have the energy because the things I do (or don't do) when I'm in a rut suck my energy. I am so sugar addicted I can't even joke about it, I am grumpy, moody, and super anxious. I am breaking out in hives everyday, my nasal allergies have gone cah-raaazy, and hellooo eczema!  The thought of intense exercise scares me. Seriously, if I think about doing anything more than yoga or going for a walk I want to cry. Sometimes the thought of yoga alone is enough to freak me out. Friday morning was my low point--I woke up, did not want to get out of bed and after about ten minutes of lying there, I spontaneously burst into tears! I want to ask the universe how I got to this physical and mental place?! But I think I know how--unwise choices, busyness, indiscipline, and just plain life circumstances. 

BUT...

• I am planning to have an amazing week. I am going to be kind to myself by making good sleep, exercise, and food choices and spending quality time with my heavenly Padre. I've promised myself that if I make these good choices everyday this week then I will reward myself at the end of the week by getting my eyebrows threaded! Let's see if this external motivation works. I'll keep finding new rewards every week until spiritual, physical and mental wellness become the rewards (I'm thinking this will take a good, long, while).  

• This past week did have a some highs though. I wore my rainbow earrings to the place where I volunteer and was hit on by one of our clients.  This was a high solely because the situation amused me intensely and gave me a good story to share. Apart from being amused, I was slightly grossed out--the woman was old enough to be my mother (::GAG::)--and slightly embarrassed because really, how inappropriate!  

• High #2: I signed up for Chicago's Hot Chocolate 5K and will be running it with a very good friend (in a previous post I mentioned that I planned to do a half marathon at the end of October, definitely not happening anymore).
• High #3: I'm picking up the CSA box for one of my friends who will be out of town this weekend and I get to keep all of the produce! Fresh produce excites me. FREE fresh produce!!?!!! Well...that's pretty orgasmic.
• High #4: About half an hour after my mini breakdown on Friday morning, I got a fantastic phone call from the Executive Director of the place where I volunteer telling me that I'd gotten the job I'd recently interviewed for there. Ahhh!! I will dedicate a post to this sometime in the near future but for now just know that I am extremely happy about it! I'm just going to have to hide from Ms. lady who reminds me of my mom (::GAG:: again).
• High#5-I got offered another Netflix free trial. I think this might be my 10th one but c'mon, who says "No, thanks"to a Netflix free trial? This is a great thing because there are several food and nutrition documentaries that I've been wanting to watch and most of them are available on Netflix. Also, the third season of The Vampire Diaries was just put on Netflix. TVD is one of my absolute favorite shows. I missed the entire last season so getting to catch up on it has made me so happy-- Mmmm Stefan Salvatore.

• Today was Chicago VeganMania! My friend and I were one of the first 100 people in line so we got goodie bags full of vegan...goodies. It was mainly snack food, a few treats (including a peanut butter cup  and superfood fruit chew mmmm), coupons, informational flyers, and tiny beauty product samples.

The bag itself was pretty sweet too. I had a good time. I ate lots of samples, and got to hear the author of one of my favorite blogs , as well as the author of  eat vegan  on $4 a day, speak. I left motivated to make a lovely vegan meal plan for this upcoming week. I'm writing this post instead, but that meal plan is next.

Vegan goodies

You can never have enough reusable bags!

• Upon leaving the vegan fair today I saw someone who I am sure must be one of the most delightful men in Chicago, if not on the planet. He was [one version of] the man of my dreams. Now, what I am about to describe might sound a little scary at first but try to keep an open mind. He was white with waist long blond dreads. He had tattoos all over his arms and a few on his face too. He had HUGE ear gauges, and a septum piercing. He was well built (SO well built haha) and had a wonderful smile (his teeth were so straight and white) and a very handsome face even with the tattoos. He was walking his dog :). His appearance was just so off the wall and badass but the way he smiled and interacted with people outside of the fair contradicted that "image." I loved it.  If I ever see him again it's going down. I don't know what "it" is yet, but it's happening. I think I was so intrigued because he's the male version of the way I sometimes want to look (minus the face tattoos)! I want to grow long dreads,  pierce my septum,  get a tattoo going down the length of one of my arms, and get ear gauges--small ones. I love the way these things look...one day folks, one day.

Ok, that is all the randomness I have for now.

Until next time :).


Yummy vegan peanut butter chocolate pretzel cup from Chicago VeganMania!

Salad bowl blog

Every day I either think about or experience three or four different things that I want to share on this blog. Alas, I don't get paid to share my life so there may never be time to write about and post all those things. Sometimes, however, I will just toss a bunch of topics/thoughts/happenings into one semi-long post and that'll be that.

Vegan, gluten-free, almond lemon blueberry cupcakes!

1. My hair:

 In two days it'll be an official month since I shaved my head :). Some of the novelty of the cut has worn off for me. I'm still 100% glad that I did it but now that my hair has grown out some I feel like it's in an awkward stage. First of many I'm sure. I'm fine with that though and excited to see what it will look like on September 5th, and October 5th, and November 5th, and...you get it :).


2. Moving and its complications:

Since last Sunday I've been in between apartments. I moved out of the condo I rented for the past 2 years and am currently staying with friends until I sign the lease for my new apartment- hopefully next week. When I moved out I had to stay goodbye to some very important things: central AC and  kitchen utensils. :(. The friends hosting me have an attic apartment. It's great because along with a regular bedroom, I have my own kitchen and bathroom! It is also, especially great because they are letting me stay here for free! It's not so great because it's really hot up here. I mean really frickin stinkin HOT! Sweat-rolling-down-your-chest-and-back-if-the-fan-is-off-for-a-minute HOT! They did warn me about that though. And it's really a small price to pay. The heat has actually been nice while I'm exercising. I sweat so much more than I normally would and so I feel like I'm really working hard AND more sweat means more toxins leaving my body, woot!

Cooking has been a challenge. The condo I previously rented came with a fully equipped kitchen. Thankfully, before I moved I'd acquired my own blender, food processor, crockpot, juicer, and mason jars (love those things!) but I recently had to quickly buy a saucepot, frying pan, a mug, a bowl, plates, cutting sheets, cutting knives and cutlery- and those are the very basics of what I need. I'm also currently doing my cooking on a pair of burners which is definitely harder than using an actual stove.

And finally, I'm now living farther away from everything--the places I work, my friends, my favorite grocery store, the library etc. So getting anywhere I need/want to be takes at least a half hour longer.
I've been grumpy this week from tiredness and having to get used to these small changes. I think I'm just about adjusted though :).

3. Ailments-

Remember the hives outbreaks I'd been having for over four weeks straight? They're gone! And without my having to take any Zyrtec (thank you very much Dr. Jackson!) Unfortunately, for about a week and a half now I've been having a consistent pain near the right side of my lower back, right around where I think my kidney is. And something funky is going on with my left arm. I don't even really know how to explain the problem but it feels like my arm has gotten super sensitive to touch and temperature-- I've been getting random flashes of intense pain, the kind of pain that will make me immediately drop anything I might be holding at the time; if cold, or even cool, water touches certains spots of my arm (mainly my palm and wrist) then I'll feel that same pain, or if something I'm holding or carrying in that arm presses or pulls even slightly on my arm then I'll get that pain again. And when I run my fingers over my left arm it's nearly painful. I'm thinking something wonky is going on with my nerves in that arm, maybe from all the heavy lifting and carrying I've done within the last week because of moving? I dunno. Google hasn't been helpful this time and I'm not in any hurry to go back to my doctor who I've officially deemed as worthless (as a doctor for me, not as a human being). We'll see how it goes.

4. I recently made vegan fried chicken and vegan mac and cheese.

I took extensive pictures of the entire process but I'll only post a few. I found the recipes for both at www.brownvegan.com

In case you don't feel like clicking the link and reading the ingredients for this recipe, I'll tell you the basics: It's Gardein brand chick'n wrapped in rice paper and a batter of spices, flour, and cashew cream. I used safflower oil to fry it.

Vegan fried chicken! Although I don't think I fried it long enough, it was delicious! The rice paper had the same texture of chicken skin so that added authenticity.

"Cheese" Sauce. I loved this sauce, it could almost be called healthy b/c its made from raw cashews, carrots, potatoes, onions, water, dijon mustard, lemon juice and spices! The only mildly unhealthy part was the 1/3 cup of Earth balance vegan butter, and 1/3 cup of butter spread over about 8 (or more) servings is not bad at all.

The cheese sauce poured over some brown rice macaroni

Sprinkled with breadcrumbs (which I made by putting 4 slices of ezekial bread and a tbs of vegan butter in the food processor) and paprika

Seriously delicious and as healthy as mac and cheese could ever be!

5. This book is changing my life :)

I highly recommend it to EVERYONE. He doesn't advocate veganism--he thinks meat (lean cuts and preferrably organic, and grass-fed) is a part of a healthy diet. He does advocate a whole foods sugar, dairy, and gluten (at least for a trial period) free diet. As the title implies he offers invaluable information about the importance of controlling your blood sugar and curing diabetes and obesity if you have it and the way to live to prevent developing those diseases if you don't currently suffer from them. Even if you think you'll never be in danger of  getting diabetes or being obese, you'll learn alot from this book!

6. I'm currently reading The Good and Beautiful God.

I kind of read it before a few years ago but I didn't apply it in the way the author suggests. I'm excited to see what will come of it this time around.

Ok, I think that's all I wanted to share for now.

Laters!

No More Sugar[coating] !

No this isn't about actual sugar ( I'm trying to send you a subliminal message though) although that would be highly apropos for this blog...

On September 10 2011 I coined my first original quote—“We’re paralyzed by our inability to be honest.” If you’ve heard someone else say that, don’t tell me haha. I was pretty proud of it (it’s nice right?).  At the time I typed up that short sentence in MS Word, I literally felt stuck, trapped, because I couldn’t communicate truthfully and directly with a very significant friend. Since then I’ve become more aware of the importance of honest, “whole truth,” communication as well as of the fact that it’s not something I do well enough. This awareness really came to a head the other day as I was contemplating my new goal of seeing and describing myself  as accurately and honestly as possible. To sort my thoughts out I wrote this:

 Sometimes when I try to explain a certain situation or feeling I get flustered and I end up saying things like “It’s just really complicated,” “it’s really hard to explain,” “I don’t know...y’know?” Today I acknowledged that 90% of the time when I end an explanation with one of those lines, I’m actually lying. “It” is not really hard to explain…I do know. But I usually become incoherent because I think that the person I’m speaking with will a) not like what I have to say or b) won’t understand my story the way I want them to. So as I explain,  I find myself trying to make my words completely amenable to the listener  as well as saying what I think will allow them  to maintain the image of me that I want them to have. This often means tweaking the truth a little. If there is any actual confusion on my part about what I’ve done and why, how I feel about it, and how to explain it clearly enough, this is probably where it begins. When, in fear of being offensive (or of being seen negatively in any way really),  I change the truth even a little (usually through intentional vagueness and omission) I start to doubt what I thought I knew and become confused about how I actually feel about this, that, and that other thing. As  it turns out, confusing the “truth” I tell others is actually c) a handy habit to practice when I feel like avoiding or denying a particular truth about myself. No beuno. So I’m going to start saying "no" to my conversation- sugarcoating- tendencies.

Wish me luck.

Quick Update!

This is going to be rushed and haphazard, but once I get it out of the way I can resume my regular posting!

I’ve been busy! Since my last post I’ve:

- spent a week in Jamaica

A little Jamaican scenery

-gone on a week and a half long road trip from Chicago to three cities in Florida

One of my road trip companions!

-hosted guests from out of town (and am about to do so again in a couple of days)

- met one of my ALL TIME favorite authors

My autographed copy of SEP's latest book!

- celebrated my 24^th birthday (TWICE!)

My vegan German chocolate cupcake from The Chicago Diner

-shaved my head

No hair!

-struggled through catching up at work after my multiple vacays while doing frantic apartment hunting, while babysitting daily, while working on a couple of paid writing assignments

- read the first five books of the Black Dagger Brotherhood series  (on 6 now!) like I said I would here,  plus the latest book by above mentioned favorite author

The recently released cover for book # 11 of the BDB series. The actual book comes out in March of next year. It's the story I've been waiting on ever since I read my first BDB book last summer!

- done some serious life contemplation

-suffered for 4 weeks straight (and counting) of hives (Who does that happen to?!  I finally went to the doctor yesterday and do you know what she told me? To take zyrtec for a month. Worthless. No. And I want my copay back!)  

-written many blog posts in my head and in Microsoft word…who knows when they’ll make it over here.

And…just…more.

If you’re wondering what’s going on with my 10 pounds down plan, I wonder if I could get away with saying that I haven’t started it yet? Don’t judge me! Life has been crazeee (see above list). I have been pretty diligent with exercising every day though, not so much with maintaining a clean diet.  I am, however, currently working my way through In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto by Michael Pollan (not so sure if I like that guy although I do like that he’s an omnivore with the motto: Eat food. Not too Much. Mostly Plants), The Blood Sugar Solution by Mark Hyman, MD and The China Study by T Colin Campbell, PHd.  So I’m at least reading about eathing healthily even if I’m not doing it myself. Case in point: do you know what I had for dinner tonight? Fried green beans. I bought a bunch of green beans from the farmer’s market the other day. I don’t really like green beans but I thought “everything tastes great fried.” And that was that.

Perfectly healthy fresh green beans

seasoned white whole wheat flour, soy milk, green beans, seasoned Ezekiel bread crumbs

YUM.

Also, recently, the UN-THINKABLE happened:  I green smoothied out. I woke up one morning earlier this week thought about making a green smoothie and my stomach turned, just twisted all up on itself, and I almost gagged. But I ignored  the feeling, got the blender out and whipped up a swiss chard, banana, peanut butter, carob concoction. MISTAKE. I couldn’t finish it and felt pretty nauseous afterwards L. This morning I didn’t even try to make one. I had an oatmeal cookie smoothie for breakfast instead. I’m hoping my stomach will wake up with a new attitude tomorrow. Or more accurately, with it’s OLD attitude. Not being able to drink my greens is going to vastly reduce the amount of them I consume…It’s my fault though, I went a little green smoothie crazy these past couple of weeks in an attempt to fix my hives situation. I never thought I’d get sick of them. Sigh.

C'mon tummy!

Remember how good this is!

My Saturday and...juice

I spent the majority of my Saturday in bed. Reading. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. The lucky book was Lover Reborn, the latest in J.R. Ward’s Black Dagger Brotherhood series. It falls in the “paranormal romance” genre, I think. It was excellent. I’ve read three out of the eleven books that make up this series—the three most recently published ones. I really enjoyed the first two I read (books 9 and 10)  but this last one (book 11) is the only one so far that I’d describe as “excellent.” According to a friend who also enjoys this series, the first three are supposedly the best so I am planning to go back and read the entire series starting with the first book. I will let you know if she is right. It’s an incredibly strange series haha. I just tried to write a synopsis of it for you and failed. Google if you’re curious!

I have to say at first I found J.R Ward and this series (let’s count how many times I’ve said “series” so far) quite annoying—I couldn’t STAND the way she wrote (for example instead of saying sneakers her characters describe shoes as “shitkickers.” That might be cool once but they don’t just do it once. Shoes are never shoes in her books they are always “shitkickers.” How many times can you use that word before it gets old? Once! And her books are always at least 400 pages long—this last one was 572 pages—that’s a lot of opportunity to say “shitkickers.” I bet you’re already annoyed just having to have read that word three times). I also found the main gender ideas promoted in her book a little questionable. But her style grew on me— overall she writes in a way that is unlike anything I’ve ever read, SO completely her own and I now kinda love it. And I realized that her gender angle wasn’t so cut and dry—she presents an interesting combo of macho caveman mentality traditionalism and progressiveness.

Once I stopped being annoyed I could appreciate the humor of her writing style as well as admire the uniqueness of it and the boldness it takes to be that kind of unique. Ultimately I got pulled into her very strange world and the stories taking place in it. After that first book Lover Mine(actually the 9th one in the series) I picked up the next one, Lover Unleashed, and then the next--the one I read today ( yes, the titles are all "Lover something," no the books are not as corny as that trend suggests) . Something Ward does extremely well is tell multiple stories at once. Even though each book focuses on a specific character there are always other stories going on in the periphery that come to fruition in the following books. And because of this I am anxiously awaiting the next book in this series (which should be out by the time I finish reading books 1-7 and the insider’s guide, yay)! It will finally focus on and bring resolution to one of those peripheral stories in which I’ve become deeply invested!

Anyway I’m not particularly recommending the book or the series (although I really enjoy it!) but now you know a little more about me and about my Saturday!

Now lets switch gears to my fave topic—food! My diet lately has been a combination of poor and stellar. Swedish fish and mustard greens-spinach-banana-strawberry smoothies. Sugar jacked “chocolate” wafers and raw kale salads (so freaking good!). “Crazy cake” custard and gluten free oatmeal with raisins and chia seeds. Entire bars of dark chocolate and plastic snack baggies of carrots and apples. I’ve been eating 3 bananas and at least 3 handfuls of raw cashews a day. I know, what the eff right? My body is saying the same thing. I need consistency and I have a new plan to get it. It starts tomorrow (Sunday) and I will share it with you then! In the meantime check out this uber healthy juice I made a few days back. Don’t gag. It’s impolite.

Ze main ingredients. Just made orange-carrot juice and mustard green juice, frozen strawberries and green superfood powder.

Blended the strawberries with the mustard green juice.

Combined the strawberry-mustard green juice with the orange-carrot juice

Added 1 tablespoon of the green superfood powder

et voila! I downed that sucker. and I liked it.

Until tomorrow!