Full Circle at the GCN Conference

This January felt incredibly significant (and I think the next few January's will feel this way also). I can't believe this past year with Hannah flew by like it did and that we're here facing another year together. This reality became especially poignant to me when Hannah and I attended a day of the Gay Christian Network (GCN) conference which was hosted in Chicago this January. While telling the story of our relationship to a woman we met at the conference, I realized that Hannah and I had come full circle.

Each week of January 2013 was distinct. During the first one, Hannah and I became more intentional about expressing our attraction to one another. During the second, we began dating but soon both felt that something was awry. You see, I had a plan for how I was going to proceed with the exploration of my sexuality. I was frustrated with the guidance I'd received from my friends, family, and church community for the past four years and with my own  prayerful efforts to be "straight." They'd failed to end  my attraction to women or help me deal with my attractions in any useful way and more so damaged my sense of worthiness as a child of God and, therefore, my sense of self in general. So, I wanted to try something different: meet a woman, have fun with no reservations, and see how things worked out. Hannah obstructed this plan almost immediately. 

Hannah has a way of bypassing frivolity and getting to the core of a person when she senses the need to and from our first date she was too deep, too serious, and too intense for my plan to take effect. She was also overwhelmingly charismatic, funny, and pleasantly weird, but her serious intensity always simmered right below the surface, ready to pour out at any moment. I was simultaneously turned off and intrigued by her desire to discuss the troubles in my relationship with Jesus on our first date, and  by the way she picked up on a few of my [non-gay related] struggles, without me sharing a word about them, on our second date. I didn't want  her to see into my soul; I wanted her to make out with me. But I liked her too much to just dismiss her because of the discomfort her seriousness made me feel.

At the end of that second week in January, we had a conversation about our mutual uneasiness with the way our dating relationship was developing. I told her I couldn't handle the woman I wanted to date trying to be my counselor, and she told me she couldn't operate at surface level with me.  In the span of ten minutes we went from talking about taking everything more slowly to talking about not proceeding in a romantic way at all. And it  blew me. I'd been obsessed with this woman  for over a month--she was beautiful and perfectly dykey, goofy, intelligent, and incredibly strange and unique, while still maintaining an aura of "cool." And she was a Christian-- I eventually hoped to learn from her how to follow Jesus without shutting down my sexuality. She seemed to be actively pursuing God and I was curious about how she was managing that-- although I didn't want to talk too much about it in a way that would prevent us from having all the fun I wanted us to have first.  Our mindsets were different but I wasn't actually prepared to let Hannah go. And when it began to look like I would have to--when she suggested that maybe she wasn't meant to be in my life as a romantic interest--I was sad, disappointed, and confused--even panicked. I didn't want this door to close before it had even fully opened.

I wondered if God had dangled Hannah in front of me and then yanked her away to get my attention. Later that day, however, I began to think that I'd interpreted the conversation too hastily. God wanted my attention, yes, but was he taking Hannah away or was he telling me to not proceed with my careless mindset? I started to believe the latter--maybe the point of that hard conversation hadn't been to completely shut everything down, but, before things went any further, to adjust my thinking about Hannah and the kind of relationship we would have. I think God wanted me to clearly know that I couldn't leave him out of any efforts I was going to make to work out my sexuality. Han and I decided to try to figure it out together during the third week of that January, and we're still immersed in that process.

At her mother's suggestion Hannah and I went to the Gay Christian Network (GCN) Conference on January 11, 2014. The experience was surreal. I've been to many Christian conferences, so the general format and atmosphere were familiar. But to look around and know that I was worshiping God with people who openly shared a sexual identity with me--who, like me, at a  "regular" Christian conference would have been made to feel that something was so wrong and impure in them that they couldn't worship God wholeheartedly--was amazing. We weren't being told (explicitly or implicitly) that we had to change part of our identity to be acceptable, to even ascend to the same level as sinner as a straight person. We were being told that we belonged to Christ because we chose Christ and Christ chose us and that he called us to worship him and be in a relationship with him as we were.

It was also great to meet other women in same sex relationships, and hear their stories, particularly about how they reconciled their strong faith with the outworking of their sexuality. As Hannah and I told our story to a woman named Amber, it hit me that this was the day. On the same day last year, the second Saturday in January 2013, we'd had a pivotal conversation about our relationship, both hearing from God in different ways, and had spent most of the day (and the start of the fourth week) trying to figure out what we were supposed to do about our relationship and our feelings (me particularly wondering how I would survive going back to the old way of dealing with my sexuality). Now, a year later, here we stood together at a conference with people like us being affirmed in our equal worthiness to follow and worship God. 

Overall, the conference had some issues--mainly scant  POC, queer, and trans representation--and I did not feel completely at home, but the realization that I'd found part of the answer to a question I'd despaired about exactly a year ago, and the fact that I could now look back and see the faithfulness of God and how he'd continuously brought me closer to him through the year, was almost too great and meaningful for me to handle. I wasn't aware of  this growth happening throughout 2013 but the evidence is that in January 2014, my heart was turned to God, my desire was to keep seeking him,  and my goal was to keep walking with him, growing in my knowledge and experience of him. And feeling free to do so as a queer woman.

The majority of people I know, will disagree when I say that God had/ has a good purpose in my being with Hannah. Many think I'm being disobedient to scripture and simply doing what I want and casually believing what makes me happy.  But there isn't and hasn't ever been anything simple or casual about this undertaking and happy is only one of a wide range of emotions I've experienced since last January. I can't deny how God has worked in this relationship--in my heart through this relationship-- and honestly made a path for Han and I to continue to be together.

Hannah and I haven't done our relationship perfectly or always in a God-glorifying way and I'm not convinced of the rightness of it. But I'm also not convicted of its wrongness and I'm certain there's a reason for that, a reason I'm still learning. Overall God's grace and love has so far trumped our mistakes. I'm closer to God and more committed to seeking him than I have been in the last five years and my journey with Han over the past year has a lot to do with that fact. We both have a ways to go and a lot to learn before we're settled in our choices concerning each other, but so far I think we've borne some good fruit together.

Self Care and Exciting Mysteries

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I would consciously and unashamedly dedicate November to my well-being.  I planned to actively take care of myself with more nourishing, home-cooked food, more abundant and higher quality sleep, more reading and writing, more lying in the dark listening to beautiful music (what, you don't do that?), more moving my body, more aloooone time but-and-also more time with friends not named Hannah (although I do love her and my time with her very much).

I've been marginally successful. I've done more cooking than in previous months and although I currently can't stand the sight of a green smoothie, I've increased my salad intake tenfold (or five threefold, whatever). I've had more alone time and spent more time with non-significant-other friends. On the other hand, I haven't read or written as much as I've been wanting to, my daily exercise still only comes in one form: my 10 minute walk to and from work, and the listening to music in the dark thing has been a no-go.The very, very great news is that I have an entire half of a month left to continue to make progress, and I will use those two weeks well!

In other news:

My life is in crazy flux! So many things are changing in so little time. In less than two weeks I will end my term at my current job (I have so many things to wrap up) and be on my way to Nashville, TN for Thanksgiving! Immediately after returning to Chicago, I will start a new full time job (praise), settle into a new apartment, play kitten mommy for a month, and possibly begin preparations to start another Master's program (part time). I'll share more details as these things happen but just know that my head is spinning! A couple of weeks ago when this was all still very uncertain and I was in danger of an anxiety meltdown in my office, my dearest Han, via Google chat, encouraged me with these words:

" I love you dear. Pray to Jesus for patience. I will try to find you some inspirational recorded thoughts from someone smarter than me, but until then just try to love this time as more of an exciting mystery than a scary secret."

I loved that last bit especially and decided from that moment on that "scary secrets" were out and "exciting mysteries" were in. Women's group last night reinforced this for me. During prayer, one of the women asked that God would help us all to celebrate and rejoice at what S/He is doing in our lives instead of allowing anxiety and fear to have center stage. Another woman prayed that we would all find peace with uncertainty and weakness, knowing that it's in those things that God's certainty and strength are exemplified.

I'm still scared. A lot can still go wrong how am I moving all of my shit?! . But in this moment, I'm choosing to make the joy, hope, and excitement of everything larger than my fears.

Oh, and in case you didn't catch it in the first picture, this happened:

3 weeks into my new do, it's already grown out from the starting 1/4 of an inch

Nearly 4 weeks ago, I asked Han to shave my head for me, and she did (she's done it several times before). I did it for completely different reasons than the first time and I love it more than I did the first time.

I think it's a good look for 25. 

Transferable (?) Love

This past weekend, Hannah and I took a trip to Nashville.

I simply wanted to get out of Chicago for a bit. Hannah wanted to see her mama and introduce me to Old Hickory, Tennessee.

We had fun. I met Hannah's grandparents and they fed me an excellent meal (which included platanos maduros and homemade flan).

 I saw Mandy again--she is a friend of Hannah's who I met a little over a month ago when she visited Chicago. In the company of her mother, sister, best friend, and mother's friend, I watched Hannah get her 7^th tattoo. I saw the sights of Nashville and had several meaningful conversations with my gal. It was good.

The most significant part of the weekend, however, was that I was well- loved by Hannah's family and friends and I knew I was receiving this love mainly because Hannah is loved. I couldn't help but meditate on this.

Because Hannah’s mother and sister love her so much, they were happy to act as my tour guides, to drive me to the At&t store when my phone stopped working, to fix me tea in the morning before church, and to call me “honey.”  

Because Mandy and her husband, Rocky love Hannah so much, they were happy to welcome me into their home and to have me play with their children (one of whom complimented my braids endlessly, gave me kisses, told me she was falling in love with me, and declared that we were going to get married). Mandy greeted me like an old friend. Rocky shared an amazing dessert with me.

That they all showed me so much love (and there were many more examples of this than I will list) because Hannah values me and they love Hannah was just remarkable to me. It was important because their love trumped their lack of wholehearted approval of or comfort with my relationship with Hannah.

And as I write this I’m thinking that it was all very Kingdom-like and a good example for me. I should be more intentional about loving people well, regardless of whether I approve of or agree with them, taking the fact that they are very loved by God (who I love) as reason enough. I've frequently stated/ communicated with others that my reason for believing that everyone deserves to receive dignity and justice, to have their voices heard, and to just be treated well is because everyone is made in God’s image. This makes each person as equally and infinitely valuable as the other. Too often that’s just an abstract idea--one that I like to discuss but can forget to practice in my day to day living. This weekend was a good reminder to love for the sake of Love and a beautiful illustration of how to do just that.  

Thank you Abuelos de Hannah, Michelle, Renee, Rachel, Stella, Mandy, Rocky, Dave, and Andrea for teaching me well this weekend.

Where to go from here: A "spiritual" update

I am notoriously late to everything— work, meetings, movie dates, appointments, casual hangouts, etc.  Considering this, I was very happy when I made it to church at a decent time this past Sunday!  Normally, when I arrive, there are only seven minutes left of the sermon or five minutes left of prayer time, which comes after the sermon. Not so last Sunday—I was there before the service even started!  I sang all of the worship songs; I read the entire liturgy; I heard every prayer request, and shared my own, during our communal prayer time; and most importantly, I listened to the sermon.

It was a really great sermon.

 Our associate pastor, Mike, spoke about the cost of discipleship. I have been preoccupied with many things these past few months and being a true disciple of Jesus has been the least of them. Jesus tells us to count the cost of being his disciple, to really consider if we are ready to love our family, friends, lovers, and lives LESS than we love him. Lately, for me, the answer has been “no, I’m not ready. No I don’t want to.” But Jesus says we can’t live the life he has for us without giving up everything. Pastor Mike reminded us of all these things but this is what he emphasized—the glory of what we receive in return far surpasses all we give up. The Kingdom of God is worth all we have and own.

 I needed to hear that.

 Having been a church attendee my entire life, literally my entire life, it’s something I have heard many, many times. It’s not something I’d really thought about lately, however. I believe that the Kingdom of God is worth everything. I do. At the same time, I don’t know if I reaaaally believe it because it’s not something my life currently reflects.  Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit—I think about them a lot, I think TO them a lot, but they are not at the center of my life.  I read a chapter in my Bible every few days or so; every once in a while I crack open my devotional; I regularly attend my biweekly women’s small group. I try to be kind, patient and not bitchy…most days. I give money to those who ask it from me….most times. I thank God for my blessings; I say prayers for other people when they text me their requests… That is all there is to my “spiritual life” right now. And y’know…those things a disciple do not make.

I’m in, but I am not all in.

I’m not all in, and I am not about to take any leaps to be all in. I am not sure what that should look like for me. I am, however, going to think about the cost again. Mike’s sermon woke me up in a way and reminded me that if I’m going to do this Christianity thing well, the goal is to be an actual disciple. So I’m going to approach Jesus again with that in mind. I’m going to observe him, learn from him, listen to his teachings about the Kingdom of God.  I am going to look at all the things going on in my life right now and see how I feel about them in light of seriously considering God’s Kingdom again.

What does that actually mean practically?  ::incoherent mumble/sound that roughly translates to “I ‘unno”:: A lot of scripture reading? A lot of meditation? I’m  really not sure. I’m going to ask God to help me with this. I know S/he will.

Why I Chopped It Off

“Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy."  James 4:9

 

A month and a half ago, a friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in several months asked me why I decided to cut my hair so short. We were engaged in an early morning mission to move me out of my then condo and as we carried boxes from my gate to her car, I told her my ready reasons: I wanted to start over with my hair, I wanted to stop hiding who I really was, I was ready for a change in my life and this symbolized a fresh start—the reasons I already had in my head, the reasons I’d already been telling other people, the reasons I knew I was still trying to figure out. Then Delia said something that made me momentarily forget all of those reasons. She said something that rang so true that I recognized it immediately as the unnamed one, the reason I felt but didn’t know how to express.  Mourning.  She mentioned that in some ancient religions people shaved their heads as a sign of mourning.  And I thought without a doubt, “Yes… that’s what I did! That’s what I’m doing.”  

 I was in a lot of pain when I decided to do this big chop.  I’d been struggling with various things for a while and hadn’t had the time to work them out.  And then something happened, one particular incident that brought too much of my pain to the surface. I know it’s cliché but I truly felt like my heart was bleeding out.  And I remember thinking “I wonder how long it’s going to take me to get over this one.”

 After a couple of days I began to feel frantic. I couldn’t get away from what happened and I desperately needed to. I also needed a way to deal with the issues that this one incident had stirred up. For some reason I ended up listening to a teaching that a friend had sent me a few days before, not having any idea what the teaching would be about. Well it was very timely—It focused on the damage that we do to ourselves and others when we hide the truth of our struggles. It added to my inner mess the burning desire to do something to make things right. That’s when I had the idea of shaving my head.  It popped up and I thought “Yes. Then I’ll be new, and everything from here on out will be new like the hair growing out of my head.”  I then came up with a set of life changes that I would implement with the haircut and I felt such relief.

 

A few weeks into my new do I realized that cutting my hair hadn’t made anything but my hair new. I had not begun an immediate, dramatic change in my life; less hair did not mean less struggles; and not only did I not experience the instant relief I’d been after,  I’d also given myself an extra dose of self-consciousness to bear.  

 

 But that was all fine because from the day I moved out of my condo to the moment you are reading this post, I’ve been realizing how right Delia was about this mourning thing. Every time I run my hands over and through my short kinks I’m reminded that [3 weeks ago, 1 month ago, 6 weeks ago] 2 and a half months ago there was something that I wanted to cut off, something about which I was very sorry. I’m reminded that a long time ago, even before that particular incident, there was a way I lived that I deeply regretted—a life involving a great deal of hiding, a life lacking integrity.

 
At the time I cut my hair I wanted to take these things away, I wanted to start over, I wanted to be a new person. But solely cutting my hair could not make me new.  At the time I cut my hair, I didn’t realize that what I was truly seeking was a way to express grief, to offer up an “I’m sorry,” to mourn. I didn’t realize it then, but I do now.

Thank you so much Delia for helping me understand.

A day of renewal

I just walked home in the rain.

And I didn't mind at all because I was so full of joy! God did something great for me today. He gave me this sense of renewal. I ended this last week feeling completely drained--physically and mentally. I ran around all day yesterday and ended the night on a slightly awkward note--hanging out with an old group of friends for the first time in a while and realizing that they were no longer really my friends and the place that I was in was no longer my scene. It was very disconcerting. Especially since part of me felt a very strong desire to do whatever it took to fit in with that crowd again. That desire didn't win but I hated struggling with it!

I woke up this morning feeling very tired but anticipating the day ahead. I was late for church (as I normally am although it is literally a 4 minute walk from my apartment) but from the moment I got there this morning to the time that I walked home tonight, my day was fantastic. And not fantastic in a loud, "oh my God!" way. A peaceful kind of fantastic.

It began with listening to one of my pastors speak on hearing, recognizing, and listening to the voice of Jesus amidst all the other voices that vie for our attention and allegiance. The sermon was based on the following verses:

"After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. ⁵ They won’t follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don’t know his voice.” John 10:4-5

I've heard this small passage preached many, many times, and have read it myself even more times but each time honestly always feels new. My pastor really wanted to emphasize that all the other voices we hear--media, advertising, whatever is adamantly seeking our attention apart from God-- are ultimately self-serving voices whereas Jesus' voice is always directing us towards something for our own good. His ending point was that Jesus is the only one who has earned the right to be listened to and he encouraged us to continue to learn the sound of his voice. My description doesn't do it justice, but it was a great sermon that geared me up to do alot of Jesus seeking this week.

An impromptu lunch with my great church community came next. I plan to do a blog post sometime explaining more fully, but for now I just want to say that I am so blessed to be a part of Many People's Church (interesting name right?) or MPC as we fondly call it. It's a pretty small church, less than forty I'd say, and we are the very definition of a "motley crew" but that is part of our beauty as a community! God has really tied my heart to them and I am so grateful!

After lunch, I took myself to see Titanic in 3D. I love that movie and can pretty much recite the whole thing (only as it's playing though). It's such a beautiful story. I've heard so many people downplay it as simply another romance but the beauty of it surpasses Jack and Rose's story (which really is so absolutely beautiful). It is just such a great human tragedy! And it's an excellent movie in general--extremely well written with extremely epic cinematography and visual and sound effects! Even if you're not big on the romance aspect, you cannot deny the brilliance of the rest of the movie and be a sensible human being. I'm sorry, you just can't... I could talk about the Titanic for hours but I will move on. Oh, but one more thing needs to be said--Jack could not have fit on that plank with Rose. Anyone watching closely should've seen that initially when he put her on the plank and tried to get on it too, it toppled over and started to sink. Ok.

After Titanic, I moseyed on down (and by "moseyed" I mean "took the train") to Loyola's campus to attend the final Ecclesia service of the year (Ecclesia is an on campus church service that one of my MPC pastors does at Loyola). A student gave the sermon tonight and he did a great job. This one was based on the John 15 passage where Jesus speaks about being the vine that we, the branches, must remain/abide in. The student did a really good job of explaining and emphasizing the fact that branches don't strive to be nourished or to grow or to bear fruit. The branches don't have to bring the rain (in fact they can't) and they don't have to make themselves look really good and appealing to entice the gardener (God) to come and prune them so that they can bear fruit. All the work is done by God/Jesus. He feeds us and he cultivates fruits in us, all we have to do is remain. It was another message that put my heart in a great place to seek the Lord this week. When the service was done I stuck around a bit to chat with a few people, and was really blessed by those short conversations.

And then I walked home in the rain. Singing this song the entire way:

In short, today God replaced the stress of my week with the peace of a slow day. And in that day he wiped away the discomfort that came from feeling isolation from a group of people and an old way of life and replaced it with a heightened awareness of my belonging to a great new community and of the rightness of the direction my life is taking now. After a time of feeling very overwhelmed by the world and somewhat distant from him, he reminded me that his voice is the only one worth listening to and reassured me that I don't have to strive to make things happen in our relationship or to make my life the way it should be-- he is the one doing the essential work. And in light of all that, I am so ready to take on this new week!

Entitlement

      Tonight as I was cleaning my apartment (go me J),  the words of a song playing on my laptop caught my attention. “Give Praise,” by Sherwin Gardner, a reggae gospel artiste, is one of my favorite songs and these words which came at the very end of the song  went “ Once yuh breathin’, once yuh walkin’, once yuh talkin’, once yuh movin’, understand, yuh bettah give praise to the Almighty one.” I’m sure I’ve listened to this song hundreds of times but those words have never struck me like they did tonight. 

 I was feeling kind of melancholy, for various reasons, as I was sweeping my kitchen, and had, a little while before, been thinking about how I wanted to bring up my recent noticeable struggle with envy and jealousy during prayer time at church tomorrow. So, I was sweeping, and these words played and I just thought “wow...how true is that?”

In his book Crazy Love, Francis Chan frequently comments on our arrogance towards God.  He says two things in particular that I love, “ Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation?”( pg 33) and “But to put it bluntly, when you get your own universe, you can make your own standards” (pg 34). Though these two statements don’t entirely relate to this most recent “aha” moment of mine, they speak to the same core idea. They speak to a mindset of arrogance, of disregarding the fact that God created everything, me nothing, and therefore has the right to determine how any and everything goes.  After hearing those last words of “Give Praise” I thought of my arrogance in thinking that I deserve more than I have—that I am entitled to more. When the truth is, I don’t and I’m not. Every good thing I have, my very life, is a gift from God. He’s the reason I am breathing right now. The reason I’m typing this potential post. He doesn’t owe me anything. And really, how dare I think I need or deserve something more than I have or something that someone else has.

          What God gives me, he gives me. A wonderful, loving, funny family and a particularly amazing mother, thank you God.  Health, thank you God. The opportunity to pursue my passions, thank you God. Things to be passionate about, thank you God. Fantastic, fantastic friends, thank you God. Community, thank you God. The ability to form relationships with a variety of people, thank you God.  Deliverance from crappy life situations and their resulting negative feelings, thank you God. Knowledge and access, thank you God.  Gracious professors and employers, thank you God. Several places to call “home,” thank you God. A million opportunities for laughter every day, thank you God. Money to pay rent, money to eat, money to get around Chicago, thank you God. Intelligence and a (mostly lol) sound mind, thank you God.  The ability to breathe, walk, talk, see, smell and hear, thank you God. This stunning face, thank you God. HAHA. I couldn’t resist ok?

Anyway the point is, I didn’t do anything to deserve the best things in my life and there are absolutely no reasons that I deserve God’s daily sustenance. And what I have at this moment is enough for this moment. Does that mean I’m going to stop working towards having or achieving more? That I’m going to stop asking God for things? Of course not.  I want to be healthier, happier, have a sustainable, enjoyable job, to not be concerned about where next month's rent is coming from, to not struggle with an impulse disorder, to get my PHd, to marry a fantastic man, to never have another ulcer, to have fraternal twins (one boy, one girl), to have a million blog views lol, to have everyone think I’m beautiful, smart, and hilarious, to have less hardship, uncertainty, and emotional struggles in my life, to see brokeness and pain in the lives of those I care about healed and taken away, to own a VitaMix and Excalibur food dehydrator…I don’t think there is anything wrong with desiring those things. It just becomes problematic when I see them as things I’m entitled to and when that view blinds me to the gifts I’ve already received and/or diminishes my awareness of God’s sovereignty and the rightfulness of his whim.  

 I want to specify that I don’t at all advocate an attitude of sitting back and letting life happen to you or accepting bad, unfortunate , tragic circumstances or incidents as “just God’s will.” I definitely believe there are times when God wants us to question and wrestle with Him. Rather, I say all of this from a place of really wanting something(s), trying all that I could do to have something(s), praying a lot for and trusting him with things that were completely out of my control and still not getting the result I wanted—being sad or mad about these things without realizing that well, there was/is no valid reason for me to have what I was asking for, no reason that I deserved any of it. In every good thing I desire, if God chooses to let me have it, fantastic. If not, he’s God and look at everything else he has already given me that I’m failing to be thankful for and make the most of right now!  

 I don’t have everything I want. Sometimes I feel a deep dissatisfaction that I can’t pin to a specific reason, but my life is God’s. He gives me what he wants, blessings and struggles, when he wants. And considering who I am in relation to him, a dot in this massive universe he made (a dot he loves beyond comprehensionJ), he has every right.

 

“I’m blessed King Jesus, you saved my life, made my life, and mold my life.”

-Give Praise, Sherwin Gardner.

"God likes me more": an unacknowledged but totally present vegan/omnivore superiority struggle

“Well…I don’t think God really intended for us to not eat meat.”  :\. 

This is a line I’ve heard too often from other Christians when they learn I’m vegan.  This is annoying because it’s a pretty cowardly way of implying that I’m doing something spiritually wrong by abstaining from animal products.....I just…I just don’t think I am.

 I am guilty too though. I'm sometimes tempted (and this was especially true when I first went vegan) to have a superiority complex about abstaining from animal products, waiting for others to be enlightened and all that.  

Let’s explore the issue.

“And God said, ‘Behold I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. And to every beast of the earth and to every bird of the heavens and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food.’ And it was so. –Genesis 1:29-30

“And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden…” Genesis 2: 16

I think we should at least note the fact that in Genesis God explicitly names the plants— “every green plant”— and trees as food for [wo]man. Notice that he doesn’t add “and if THAT’S not enough feel free to kill and roast one of the new little pets I gave you.”  God brought the animals to Adam so that he could name them, he didn’t say anything about munching on a chicken leg or ox tail.

I would love to end here and be like “boo-yah! In your face omnivores!”

Alas, sometimes you think you have the upper hand but when you keep reading, you stumble upon things like:

“And God blessed Noah and his sons and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. The fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth and upon every bird of the heavens, upon everything that creeps on the ground and all the fish of the sea. Into your hands they are all delivered. Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. And as I gave you the green plants, I give you everything.

From this, and the fact that I know no stories of God’s wrath falling on anyone in the Bible solely because of meat consumption, I have to admit that it is not inherently wrong to eat animals (which is good news since it’s something I did happily for 23 years).

“Therefore let no one pass judgment on you in questions of food and drink…Colossians 2:16-17; 20-23

“As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables (weak? Weak?! hmph). Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him.  Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand…Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind…The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God…Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean. For if your brother is grieved by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. By what you eat, do not destroy the one for whom Christ died. So do not let what you regard as good be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.” Romans 14: 1-4;6b;13-19.

I always think of these verses (well, parts of them) when I’m questioned about what I eat and why or when I’m feeling particularly superior to meat eaters (yes I have those days, I’m sorry! ) “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.”  Right on Paul. If you said it, I believe you. But I think in the case of our food industry today, our friends “context,” and “historicity” need to come out and play.

Feminists love context and historicity. The food industry as it existed when Paul spoke is not comparable to what it is today. Today the food we eat is so tied up in injustice, exploitation, deception, profit seeking, and sickness that I cannot separate my choices concerning it from my commitment to following the Lord. We are misinformed about nutrition for the sake of profit. People are being exploited in the name of profit. The environment is being destroyed in the name of profit.  Where’s the “righteousness, peace, and joy,” of the Kingdom of God in this area?! When I think about these things, I definitely see my practice of veganism as a great spiritual discipline.

The Bible frequently talks about fasting, and in Isaiah 58 God asks his people to learn the kind of fasting he chooses—the kind that loosens the chains of injustice, helps the oppressed, and destroys things that keep people bound. For me embracing a whole-foods plant- based diet is a part of doing this— it means confronting and resisting a greedy, corrupt, disease promoting (processed foods anyone?) industry, it means promoting the use of land for grain cultivation, It means voicing a preference for that grain to be used to feed people rather than animals that will be killed (animals who should be eating grass to begin with!) for rich people to eat. It means doing my part to preserve the environment and not polluting the waters of those in lower income neighborhoods, it means caring about the plight of animals that were created to do more than live a cruel life in a tiny, filthy cage hopped up on antibiotics and fear. (I CANNOT stress just how cruel of a system factory farming is. Please care.) It means promoting the truth in an area where lies and deception are the norm. Now THAT really gets me going! I feel a sense of rightness not because I’m certain it’s Gods will but because in choosing to live this way, I am honestly seeking God’s will.

So the point is…although the times I go through it are few, I repent of my superiority complex. If you come to me, however, and tell me (or in any way imply or I think that you’re implying) that God made me to eat meat, I will give you the stank eye. Feel free to do the same to if I rear my haughty vegan head.

June 8 2011, my first vegan morning, proudly sporting a kale smoothie 'stache. mmm-mmm :).

His grace for me each time...

“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off...
...And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home."
Matthew 18:12-13; Luke 15:5-6