Where to go from here: A "spiritual" update

I am notoriously late to everything— work, meetings, movie dates, appointments, casual hangouts, etc.  Considering this, I was very happy when I made it to church at a decent time this past Sunday!  Normally, when I arrive, there are only seven minutes left of the sermon or five minutes left of prayer time, which comes after the sermon. Not so last Sunday—I was there before the service even started!  I sang all of the worship songs; I read the entire liturgy; I heard every prayer request, and shared my own, during our communal prayer time; and most importantly, I listened to the sermon.

It was a really great sermon.

 Our associate pastor, Mike, spoke about the cost of discipleship. I have been preoccupied with many things these past few months and being a true disciple of Jesus has been the least of them. Jesus tells us to count the cost of being his disciple, to really consider if we are ready to love our family, friends, lovers, and lives LESS than we love him. Lately, for me, the answer has been “no, I’m not ready. No I don’t want to.” But Jesus says we can’t live the life he has for us without giving up everything. Pastor Mike reminded us of all these things but this is what he emphasized—the glory of what we receive in return far surpasses all we give up. The Kingdom of God is worth all we have and own.

 I needed to hear that.

 Having been a church attendee my entire life, literally my entire life, it’s something I have heard many, many times. It’s not something I’d really thought about lately, however. I believe that the Kingdom of God is worth everything. I do. At the same time, I don’t know if I reaaaally believe it because it’s not something my life currently reflects.  Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit—I think about them a lot, I think TO them a lot, but they are not at the center of my life.  I read a chapter in my Bible every few days or so; every once in a while I crack open my devotional; I regularly attend my biweekly women’s small group. I try to be kind, patient and not bitchy…most days. I give money to those who ask it from me….most times. I thank God for my blessings; I say prayers for other people when they text me their requests… That is all there is to my “spiritual life” right now. And y’know…those things a disciple do not make.

I’m in, but I am not all in.

I’m not all in, and I am not about to take any leaps to be all in. I am not sure what that should look like for me. I am, however, going to think about the cost again. Mike’s sermon woke me up in a way and reminded me that if I’m going to do this Christianity thing well, the goal is to be an actual disciple. So I’m going to approach Jesus again with that in mind. I’m going to observe him, learn from him, listen to his teachings about the Kingdom of God.  I am going to look at all the things going on in my life right now and see how I feel about them in light of seriously considering God’s Kingdom again.

What does that actually mean practically?  ::incoherent mumble/sound that roughly translates to “I ‘unno”:: A lot of scripture reading? A lot of meditation? I’m  really not sure. I’m going to ask God to help me with this. I know S/he will.