Tuesday Tales

In pictures and videos:

Breakfast- "Eat Your Greens Smoothie": Spinach, frozen banana, blueberries, ground flax, soy milk, water. I also had 1/2 cup of lentil soup.

Lunch- Veggie Pita I added some of my homemade hummus and balsamic vinegar. 5 oz of baby carrots not pictured.

Came home, logged into Facebook and saw this.  My first thought was "Oh shit, getting quoted..." So what if it's my girlfriend quoting me...

I watched 3 minutes of this 10 minute workout video and decided I wasn't working out today:

I had a little motivational talk with myself and decided I could absolutely work out for 10 minutes. So I did this video:

Next came this raw kale and avocado salad, with a balsamic vinaigrette dressing (in the jar) I made this evening:

Scrimp pasta for dinner! 

#WasAlmostVeganToday 

Oh Discipline

One day I'll be able to call myself a disciplined human being. I'll introduce myself that way: "Morgan Service, disciplined human being here!"  Ok, maybe not. But it would be nice to know that if I did, I wouldn't be lying!

I did not meet my sleep goals for August. I have not, so far, met my unprocessed food goals for September. And I have troubles. Multiplied breakouts- depressive/ anxiety episodes-breaking out in hives every day again-constipated troubles. Sorry [not sorry] if that's TMI.

I've been having technical troubles too. My computer was out of commission for a while because my charger went kaput. Then my phone died and I received a less than stellar replacement. I can no longer compulsively check Facebook or Instagram (verb) every bit of my life. This forced semi-disconnection from social media is good though (I think). I know my father is relieved that I will no longer exceed our monthly data limit. You win Daddy-o, you win.

These past 7 and some weeks have not been all bad, however. I started exercising semi-regularly again. I've also journaled a few times after a many-months-long dry spell.

And I have other new things happening:

1. I'm loc'ing my hair! This is my second attempt ( I started the process in the late spring of 2011 but quit by the end of the summer) and I am sticking to it. So far I am a month in. I wore my baby locs out for a week but am now wearing yarn wraps (no, that's not me in that video) over them. Because honestly, the baby locs stage is just a little too rough for me right now. Not rough as in hard or burdensome. Rough as in "yikes, I don't feel as pretty as I want to!" And I'm fine with that being the reason I'm currently wearing braids.

2. I started a  blog on Tumblr! www.aqueerfaith.tumblr.com. I'm using it to discuss my experience of Christianity and non-heteronormative sexuality. I found it very hard to keep the blog focused because there are so many amazing, beautiful, funny, clever, poignant things on tumblr. To address that problem, I also made a secondary tumblr blog www.mfoodfaithfemme.tumblr.com for my other interests.  

My very first post where I detail the persons to whom A Queer Faith is dedicated.

3. I renewed my library card--it expired in mid-May--and I'm thrilled to be able to borrow books again! Right now twenty three of them are lounging on top of my bookshelf. There's that discipline problem again. But as my good friend, Bianca, put it, "what am I supposed to do?! They're free!"  I'm currently reading 10 books at once Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. So far, I like.

4. I have a camera again (I lost my last one on Valentine's day earlier this year)! A camera separate from my phone! And praise the Lord, because my "new" phone does not take very good pictures and getting pictures off of it onto my computer is more than a trial! Hannah gave me this camera for my birthday. Technically I've had it for a couple of months, but when I brought it back from Nashville, I left it at Han's place and it remained there until this past weekend. I purchased a memory card for it on Saturday and have been a very happy girl ever since.

I look like a professional, don't? 

I used it to take this picture of the pita bread and hummus that I MADE FROM SCRATCH tonight. Can you tell that I'm SLIGHTLY proud of myself?

I won't give up the fight to turn myself into a consistently healthy eater. My latest weapons:

 More to come on this when I can share something that will make you proud of my growing discipline.

Adieu.

Twenty-five

My goal for twenty-five is to embrace my insecurities and to live the life I believe in without apology.

Those goals are broad and vague but the reality of that life would look something like showing off my big forehead with pride, accepting the dark spots on my face, chest, shoulders, and back, loving my slightly lopsided smile, going for longer stretches in between wearing braids, freestyle dancing in public without the help of alcohol, speaking loudly, not saying "sorry" unless I actually am, sticking to a budget and living below my means, tithing, diving into my relationship with Jesus and seeking God's kingdom first, eating an ethical, mostly unprocessed diet, practicing self-care diligently, not being evasive about my sexuality or the fact that I'm dating a woman I love.

It will mean not being afraid to tell people that I'm simultaneously reading a book called Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving as well as Mark, the second book in the New Testament of the Bible.

It will mean reading more and writing more and going for more runs along Chicago's Lake shore trail. It will mean consistently claiming my identity as a Jamaican woman even though I don't have the accent to support it.

It will mean Instagramming make-up-less selfies. That sort of thing, ya know.

Of course, that life won't be my reality entirely the next time July 5th comes around. But by then I'm hoping to have moved significantly closer to being a woman who accepts herself fully, takes care of herself, pursues her passions, and lives with honesty and integrity.

I am thinking of choosing 11 key areas/ activities to focus on to encourage becoming that woman. I often take on too much at once. I lack endurance and patience and am easily distracted and bored. These character traits make it hard to stick with anything as long as I need to in order to see significant growth/ improvement. So the plan is to focus on one  life change, goal, self-improvement activity etc. each month for the entire month for the next 11 months. According to some experts somewhere, performing an activity consistently for 30 days helps that activity to become a habit. I will still try to make little improvements in several areas simultaneously but the activity I assign to each month will be the one thing I will absolutely have to do every day for that month.

That means on the day I turn 26 I'll at least be able to say... I took 11 very helpful, beneficial things and made them a consistent part of my routine

That's something right? The following is a list of potential activities.

1. August- 8 hours of sleep
2. September- Whole foods, unprocessed diet 
3. October- 30 minutes exercise
4. November- 30 minutes quiet time 
5. December- 30 minutes end of the day journalling
6. January- 1 hour of leisure reading
7. Februrary- 30 minutes creative writing
8. March- Read a news article 
9. April- Yoga and meditation
10. May- Purposeful, daily, blogging, tweeting, and tumbling
11. June- Oil pulling 

That list is subject to change but I'm happy about the things I have down so far. 

I am also up to something right now. I won't say what until that something is over but it has to do with food, of course. I'll report on it in 7 days when I can claim success :).

Laters.

[Un] Vegan, Unprocessed, and a Look at My Pantry

I want to be vegan--vegan AND gluten-free actually. 

Green Smoothie/ Nutriblast in the making: spring salad mix, banana, frozen strawberries, cashews, ground flax, coconut milk, water

It has such a nice "activist" ring to it, like it was meant to be part of my identity--Black, Feminist, Queer, Vegan.


But I just can't hack it yet.

The lady friend and I decided to be vegan for June. She'd been wanting to adopt the lifestyle for a while and, as you know, I have been trying to work my way back to it for a while. One night several months ago we discussed it. I threw in the gluten-free part and she said "Are we really going to be those lesbians?" My simple reply was, "I'm not a lesbian."

"Mannah"--It's gross and not our doing

Ha. Anyway, we did really well for 8 days in June. Due to some extremely unfortunate circumstances, however, we had to put our new adventure on hold.

Vegan french toast, tofu scramble, avocado w/ olive oil, sea salt, and red wine vinegar 

I decided I would get back on track this week. I made a meal plan, went grocery shopping, and made a list of every last thing in my pantry.


My mind is rebelling, however. And what's a gal to do about that?

I really want to eat eggs. And to put 3oz of grilled chicken on my salads. I am OK with abstaining from gluten, dairy, and added sugars (except for a tsp of honey in my green tea) but I am struggling with the idea of completely removing meat from my diet! Why is this happening to me? I used to have such "no-meat" fire!

I currently have no animal products in my freezer or fridge  (although a couple of cans of mackerel and sardines occupy some of my cupboard space) so even though I don't feel like it, I will be vegan for this upcoming week at least.

But.

What I really want is to be consistently healthy. Two years ago, I was convinced that veganism was the only way. I learned about it, I believed in it wholeheartedly, I had to do it. I thought everyone needed to do it. I'm no longer in that place;  I no longer think that way. I have spent over a year repeatedly trying to get back to that place, but I can't yet.

Veggie masala burger, spinach,  and avocado, on top of sauteed onions and wheat berries 

I highly admire the authors of the vegan books and blogs I've read and follow, my militant vegetarian sister, and vegan and vegetarian  friends and friends of friends, but I think I've been comparing myself to them and trying to reach their perfection, mainly because they are noble and impressive to me and I want to appear noble and impressive to others. That wasn't the case in June 2011 when I decided to become vegan, and it wasn't the case for the year that followed that decision, but it would be the case if I were to pursue veganism now. I wouldn't be doing it because I wholeheartedly believe life as a vegan is the all-around best way to live. I would be doing it because I really want other people to admire my life.

That is no bueno.

Rice and peas and fried plantains! 

I'd like to give myself the gift of actually sticking to the things I say I'm going to do, of fully applying the changes I say I am going to make, for more than a week or a month. I can't do that in pursuing veganism right now.

I'm not going to run out and eat a burger now and like I said, I currently have [virtually] no animal products at home. I will be vegan, by default, for a little while longer but I'm going to switch my focus to simply eating an ethical, unprocessed, whole foods diet.

Maybe if I get a handle on that, returning to veganism will become more appealing and happen naturally.

Pride in black and white

Stay Tuned!

ALSO

See  this article by Dr.Mark Hyman. It directly addresses whether following a specific, restricted diet is necessary to achieve and maintain optimal health--a very timely read for me today!

AND

If you are interested, here is my pantry list:

Fruit

2 Avocados

2 Ripe Plantains

1 bunch bananas

4 apples

2 lemons

1 pack frozen pineapple

1 pack frozen blueberries

1 pack frozen strawberries

½ pack frozen blackberries

1 mango

Dried Apricots

Raisins

Dates

Veggies

1 bunch kale

1 head romaine lettuce

1 pack spring mix salad

1 pack spinach

1 cucumber

1 zucchini

2 tomatoes

1 yellow bell pepper

1 yellow onion

1 red onion

1 head garlic

1 can water chestnuts

¼ pack frozen green beans

¼ pack frozen corn

¼ pack frozen veggies: Mediterranean blend

¾ pack frozen chopped spinach

1 pack frozen stir fry blend

Sea weeds: kombu, dulse, wakame, nori sheets

1 can beets

Grains/ flours

Brown basmati rice

Quinoa- white, red, black

Amaranth

Black “forbidden” rice

Old-fashioned oats

Steel-cut Oats

Brown rice lasagna

2 Gluten free English muffins (frozen)

¼ loaf Ezekiel bread

1 pack cornmeal, fine, gluten free

1/4 pack cornmeal, coarse, gluten free

Brown rice flour

Chick pea flour

Whole wheat flour

Beans/ Bean-based Protein

Canned:

Black beans

Black eyed peas

Red Kidney beans

Dried:

Garbanzo beans

Split peas

Pinto beans

Navy beans

Red Lentils

Tofu

Falafel mix

Nuts /Seeds

Ground chia seeds

Flax seeds

Hemp seeds

Sunflower seeds

Sesame seeds

Pumpkin seeds

Almonds

Cashews

Walnuts

Randoms

1 carton soymilk

2 cans coconut milk

1 can salsa verde

1 bag sucanat

1 pack arrowroot starch

1 tub cornstarch

2 cans mackerel

1 can sardines

1 pack of beef flavored Ramen

Seasonings

A shitload of spices

Coconut Aminos

Tamari, gluten free

Raw Apple Cider Vinegar

Mirin

Brown Rice Vinegar

Umeboshi Vinegar

Balsamic Vinegar

Red Wine Vinegar

Braggs Liquid Aminos

Virgin Coconut Oil

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Anyone want to craft an amazing meal plan for me?

Transferable (?) Love

This past weekend, Hannah and I took a trip to Nashville.

I simply wanted to get out of Chicago for a bit. Hannah wanted to see her mama and introduce me to Old Hickory, Tennessee.

We had fun. I met Hannah's grandparents and they fed me an excellent meal (which included platanos maduros and homemade flan).

 I saw Mandy again--she is a friend of Hannah's who I met a little over a month ago when she visited Chicago. In the company of her mother, sister, best friend, and mother's friend, I watched Hannah get her 7^th tattoo. I saw the sights of Nashville and had several meaningful conversations with my gal. It was good.

The most significant part of the weekend, however, was that I was well- loved by Hannah's family and friends and I knew I was receiving this love mainly because Hannah is loved. I couldn't help but meditate on this.

Because Hannah’s mother and sister love her so much, they were happy to act as my tour guides, to drive me to the At&t store when my phone stopped working, to fix me tea in the morning before church, and to call me “honey.”  

Because Mandy and her husband, Rocky love Hannah so much, they were happy to welcome me into their home and to have me play with their children (one of whom complimented my braids endlessly, gave me kisses, told me she was falling in love with me, and declared that we were going to get married). Mandy greeted me like an old friend. Rocky shared an amazing dessert with me.

That they all showed me so much love (and there were many more examples of this than I will list) because Hannah values me and they love Hannah was just remarkable to me. It was important because their love trumped their lack of wholehearted approval of or comfort with my relationship with Hannah.

And as I write this I’m thinking that it was all very Kingdom-like and a good example for me. I should be more intentional about loving people well, regardless of whether I approve of or agree with them, taking the fact that they are very loved by God (who I love) as reason enough. I've frequently stated/ communicated with others that my reason for believing that everyone deserves to receive dignity and justice, to have their voices heard, and to just be treated well is because everyone is made in God’s image. This makes each person as equally and infinitely valuable as the other. Too often that’s just an abstract idea--one that I like to discuss but can forget to practice in my day to day living. This weekend was a good reminder to love for the sake of Love and a beautiful illustration of how to do just that.  

Thank you Abuelos de Hannah, Michelle, Renee, Rachel, Stella, Mandy, Rocky, Dave, and Andrea for teaching me well this weekend.

Mid-February Wellness

I sat down a few days ago to write a detailed food update. I couldn't do it. I literally tried for hours and could only produce 2 incoherent paragraphs. I haven't discussed food here since the beginning of November so a large part of me wants to tell you every little detail about what I've been eating. But for some reason, my brain can't make it happen! So I'll  just say that from November to now I've exercised about 4 times and I've been eating the unhealthiest that I have in about a year and a half--mainly junk food, lots of sugar, lots of refined carbs, lots of alcohol. Ironically, I've lost about 5 pounds on this "diet" and am the smallest I've been since high school. Not ironically, I've had the stomach flu and 3 colds during this time-- the final cold lasted a whopping 5 weeks.

Yech.

I am amused that I managed to lose weight while eating 90% junk and not exercising. I've learned that, for me, the quantity of food consumed has a more significant impact on my weight than the quality of food consumed. Although I scarfed down junk for the past couple of months, I ate sporadically. On most days, due to poor decision making and the lack of an appetite, energy, interest and/ or time, I only ate one or two meals. And so my tummy shrank, and my pants got baggy...and my immune system went on vacation. I had a physical about a week and a half ago and learned that I had borderline low blood pressure. This was also funny to me considering the high sodium content of everything I'd been eating for the past few months. Less funny, however, was that my iron levels were low and that I basically had no Vitamin D in my body! Ok--I exaggerate. My levels were just abysmally low at 19 (according to my doctor, 30 is the adequate level) !

But good news:

Last week's sole green smoothie

I've come to a place where I again have both the desire to eat well, and some of the [mental and physical] energy I need to make that happen. I planned to make February my month to focus on wellness, or something, but we're almost half way through the month, and I've still been eating junk, averaging 3 hours of sleep a night, not exercising, and drinking too much [liquor]. I'm not stressing about it though. Over the past couple months I've really realized that I'm not mentally at the place where trying to be a stickler about food will be beneficial to me. . It's been hard for me to admit, but I have "deeper" things to work on before I'll be able to successfully follow a "strict" food regimen.

So I have some simple daily goals (SDG's--you know you like that) for now:

1. get 7 hours of sleep
2. do 20 minutes of exercise  (not including my walks to and from work)
3. drink a green smoothie and eat a serving of steamed veggies
4.  have 30 minutes of communion with God in whatever form seems best that day
5. journal
6. drink 8 cups of water

A list of 6 things might seem too long, but I have at least 10 other things I want to add. So I am pleased with myself for committing to only 6.

And these are foundational. I need rest, veggies, and water. I need to move. I need God and I need to have sorted thoughts and feelings. I don't think I'll be able to make any other long-term positive changes in my life until those 6 things are standard.

I'll start tonight with a green smoothie and 7 hours of sleep. This is going to go amazingly well.

Navel-Gazing

I’ve been really very busy.  So…

I’ve been eating shitty food and giving my conscience the middle finger.

I’ve been checked out for a little while—caught up in my head but not aware of what’s been going on in my spirit. I’ve been having fun but dealing with this lingering unease. I’ve been afraid.

 

I’ve been subsisting on Mumford and Sons. I’ve been dying to change bad habits.

I’ve been working full days.

I’ve been thinking of God as someone I used to know.  I’ve been longing for courage. I’ve been hating people. I’ve been eschewing thoughts of “better.”

I’ve been tired of all of this.

But…I’m on a mini vacation now. And I’m putting myself back together.  And a new year’s approaching.  And I plan on living it better.

So, I'll be back soon with relevant material :).

Just in case you were wondering where I've been...