A "Cook and a Tool"

I never took him for an ignorant jackass.  And I guess I still don’t. But I have to admit the words popped into my head and they didn’t feel wrong…

Last night and part of this morning I got into it with an old family friend on facebook over an image he decided to post. Well maybe “got into it” is inaccurate. We did not have a heated argument. I didn’t feel “heated.” And after my comments, neither did he. From what I could tell through my expert reading of facebook “tones,” we were both speaking calmly. What I did feel was a deep disappointment in this grown man, who I’ve known since I was about 4 years old and assumed was sensible, doing something that in my mind is only reserved for the aforementioned ignorant jackasses.  What did he do? He posted this photo:

Do you need a moment?

I know I did.

I was simultaneously annoyed and saddened to be confronted with another  derogatory representation of how some men (such a vast number of men) feel about some women, their identity, and their place in the world. Normally I’m not one to engage in facebook conflict. If I see something ignorant or plain dumb I tend to just  roll my eyes or, if it really annoys me, hide that person from my news feed. In this case I decided to say something.  I felt someone had to say “this is wrong.”

When I told my friend I was disappointed in him, his first defense, as I expected it would be, was that all men think the same thing but at least he had the “courage” to say it. IJ statement number two.  I told him mi nevah kno seh him did tun mind readah! and that  I was grateful that I knew some men who lacked “his particular kind of ‘courage.” And THANK GOD for the men I know who realize that this image and its message are problematic. I kindly replied that there was a difference between a) appreciating good food and sex and b) endorsing this picture.

The “in the kitchen or on her back” sentiment really bothered me--it’s implication that ultimately a woman’s "realness" and value is only as much as she can do for “her man.” And the picture itself is clearly sexually objectifying. The message, another crass form of “ladies you better do whatever it takes to hold on to your man,” or “girl you better meet his needs or he’ll find someone else who will.” Why do some men think they need to use this tactic to get women to love, or at least put out for, them.  Attack her identity, degrade her a little, plant a seed of fear and self-doubt in her psyche.  This is the basest version of that approach, but the messages show up in different ways.  I realize to some it might seem harmless and [unfortunately] very amusing. But it is neither harmless nor funny as I am sure many women have already internalized some version of this ridiculousness.

Another man’s defense was that if this had been a picture of a half-naked man with the same words printed, the reactions of women would have been different. Obviously. This does not help your case. Because 1) this gal is not “half-naked.” I don’t think that piece of string between her purposefully distorted butt cheeks counts as clothes.  I don’t know how you could proportion a man’s body to garner the same effect without coming up with a ridiculous image. 2) Though my reaction would be different if it had been a man’s body in the photo, I would still find it problematic. Objectification of ANYbody is wrong. 3) The long history of sexual objectification that is unique to women makes it a different case.  Men are not socially vulnerable in the same way. They are not constantly being fed the message that having a woman defines them, that they need to do whatever it takes to hold on to their woman, or that they exist to meet their women’s needs. Few people are telling a man that his importance is mainly tied to a woman and few people are sending women the message that men’s bodies are really theirs for the taking. So, in  the context of this here lovely society, the harm of presenting a woman this way far exceeds the harm that would come from presenting a man in the same way.  For now.

I’m concerned for the men who find it ok to circulate this image. I’m concerned for the women who will nod in agreement upon seeing it.

I am all for the good food and the good sex…but men, presenting your desire for these things in this way, presenting an image of a woman this way, is simply not okay.  I hope my friend is just as eager to share this photo with his “real woman.” If he ever finds her.

P.S Thankfully my fb friend seems to also have other sensible fb friends. A couple of other people had some valuable things to say:

Favorite (and only valuable) comment by another woman :

I don't like this.... the message is saying that a real woman is simply a cook and a tool for satifying a man's sexual needs?

Favorite (and only valuable) comment by a man:
The true litmus test for whether any man truly should propogate any of these things is in the following question: Do you believe your daughter should abide by <insert whatever meme>?

Amen. Tell 'im again fah me sir!