No this isn't about actual sugar ( I'm trying to send you a subliminal message though) although that would be highly apropos for this blog...
On September 10 2011 I coined my first original quote—“We’re
paralyzed by our inability to be honest.” If you’ve heard someone else say
that, don’t tell me haha. I was pretty proud of it (it’s nice right?). At the
time I typed up that short sentence in MS Word, I literally felt stuck, trapped, because I couldn’t communicate truthfully and
directly with a very significant friend. Since then I’ve become more aware of
the importance of honest, “whole truth,” communication as well as of the fact
that it’s not something I do well enough. This awareness really came to a head the other
day as I was contemplating my new goal of seeing and describing myself as accurately and honestly as possible. To sort my thoughts out I wrote this:
Sometimes when I try to explain a certain situation or
feeling I get flustered and I end up saying things like “It’s just really
complicated,” “it’s really hard to explain,” “I don’t know...y’know?” Today I acknowledged
that 90% of the time when I end an explanation with one of those lines, I’m
actually lying. “It” is not really hard to explain…I do know. But I usually become incoherent because I think that the
person I’m speaking with will a) not like what I have to say or b) won’t
understand my story the way I want them to. So as I explain, I find myself trying to make my words
completely amenable to the listener as
well as saying what I think will allow them to maintain the image of me that I want them
to have. This often means tweaking the truth a little. If there is any actual
confusion on my part about what I’ve done and why, how I feel about it, and how
to explain it clearly enough, this is probably where it begins. When, in fear
of being offensive (or of being seen
negatively in any way really), I change the truth even a little (usually through intentional vagueness and omission) I start to
doubt what I thought I knew and become confused about how I actually feel about
this, that, and that other thing.
As it turns out, confusing the “truth” I tell others is actually c) a handy habit
to practice when I feel like avoiding or denying a particular truth about
myself. No beuno. So I’m going to start saying "no" to my conversation- sugarcoating- tendencies.
Wish me luck.
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